The following post was written with very little sleep and some emotion behind so please forgive its rambling nature and any spelling, grammar or punctuation errors you find. Thank you.
It's now 2012: a year which will hopefully be better than the last.
A few nights ago, I went to a party at my best friend's house to celebrate the arrival of the new year. At the party were all of my friends who knew I was gay and a lot more who didn't know. Also at the party was a bisexual guy that I'd had a secret crush on.
Seeing as how I had only been drunk one other time in 2011 (which is
awful for a fresher who has been able to drink for over a year now), I decided to make use of the alcohol at the party. A few rum and Cokes into the evening and with a few more hours left until the countdown, I realised I was drinking too fast for a lightweight and so I just sat in the corner.
It was at this point that one of my friends who knew about my sexuality walked over, sat down next to me and asked how everything was going. We conversed for a bit before she confessed that she had been going around letting people know that I was gay.
I was very briefly annoyed but then I realised that nobody else had said anything to me. When I asked how they took it, she said that they took it well. When I asked if she or anybody else had told my secret crush, she said "No."
At this point, the mixture of my emotions and the rum got the better of me and I started feeling really down. I wanted to embrace him or ask him out. But I couldn't, I thought about the very real possibility of rejection. Then I started thinking about standing in the middle of the room and bluntly saying "I'm gay" to all of my friends, present. But then, the thought of being rejected from them made me even worse.
I left the loud music and found a quiet place to sit down. After thinking about everything, I returned and went up to each friend who knew about my sexuality. I gave all of them permission to let my other friends know that I was gay, but not to let them know that I want them to know. For the rest of the night, I was quite relieved, I still wanted to approach my secret crush but I realised that it may not be such a good idea in case he rejected me on such a happy occasion.
A few hours later, which I spent drinking and DJing, a few friends approached me and congratulated me for being out. Honestly, I wasn't expecting any of them to take it badly but I like to be over-cautious. I somewhat hoped that my crush would also approach me too but he didn't, instead he just seemed to enjoy the party as much as everyone else.
At midnight, we celebrated the arrival of 2012. A couple of hours later, we headed off back to our homes.
Now that everybody's sobered up, I feel like I should find out who exactly knows I'm gay and who doesn't. Finally, I do need to make sure that my crush knows. I'm going be seeing him again in a couple of days and I'd like to be able to be more honest with him.
On another related note...
After the party, when I got back home, I told my mother that a few more friends knew that I was...
That's the thing, I couldn't say
that word. She told me to just come out with it but I couldn't say it to her. Her response was that I shouldn't be coming out of the closet if I can't say that I'm gay. Very drunk and angry, I had the sense to go to bed before we got into an argument.
In my room, I thought about the various things she had said over the last few weeks. Although she had certainly improved since I came out to her, she was still more homophobic than she'd probably like to admit.
As a result of these non-ideal circumstances and other complications, I'm not going to be in a real mood for blogging so don't expect any regular posting.
