Thank God for gay porn! (how I came to realise I was a homosexual)

And also, hooray for oxymoronic blog post titles! Now I feel like I should explain.

This is not about something new that is happening in my not currently fabulous life but rather, this is something that I was thinking about rather recently because I saw a quote from a possibly mad Pastor Mark Driscoll:

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he's watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.

Now, I'm not going to go into the many problems I have with this. But that first bit "masturbation can be a form of homosexuality" got me thinking about how I realised I was gay and the fact of the matter is that I know I'm gay... because of gay porn. Some of my life story coming up...


You see, I was never attracted to girls and I think we both know why. This didn't bother me but when I got to about 16 and going through puberty, I was wondering why I wasn't attracted to girls. All the other boys around me were talking about how they wanted to go out on dates with the hot girls or which celebrities were the fittest. Some of my friends even asked me who was my ideal woman (I lied and said Uma Thurman if you're curious) but I knew that I wasn't attracted to any of them. Something was clearly wrong...

Also because I was 16 and definitely maturing in a number of ways, I felt like I should definitely have masturbated by this point. There was a period where I spent hours playing with my cock every night to masturbate but I just couldn't get it up. I started to consider that maybe I had something physically wrong with me. Then I recalled that I was capable of having wet dreams so that definitely wasn't the case.

I thought I'd do what every teenage boy should do and watch porn. After 3 of the most boring porn videos I've ever seen, I didn't get aroused once. Then suddenly... I had a revelation. It all made since in an instant... I was asexual. In my head, that was the only explanation. I went back to school thinking this and being okay with it. Then I got really annoyed when I started getting hard in lessons! If I was asexual, what was arousing me?!

I got back home and came up with a third theory: I was doing it wrong.

So, I did the incredibly nerdy thing, went online and looked for tutorials. Now, I'm not going to tell how many techniques I tried but believe me... I tried a lot. Most times, I got hard watching videos of guys jerking off and following along in real time. I knew that I was making progress! Unfortunately, I still wasn't able to actually cum but being able to control when I got hard was a big step up for me.

I still knew that I missing something though... so I decided to look at other videos of guys jerking off on sites like Xtube. Now, to find these videos, I had to say that I was interested in Men. No big deal, I was just looking for a method of jerking off that worked for me. Although... I did see a lot of thumbnails of gay porn. Out of curiosity, I decided to have a look at the most viewed videos on Xtube and well, this video caught my eye:

  

That video was incredible and it was finally something I could masturbate to! I checked out the other videos on this guy's channel and found them really hot too. After watching quite a few other videos of gay porn, I laid back on my bed fantasising about how I could be in a video like that and jerking off and after an hour of concentration, I came on my 17th birthday.

Once I got over how incredible it felt... I slowly realised that I was gay. My initial reaction was depression because, let's face it, the world isn't 100% happy with homosexuality just yet, is it? After a few days though, I was okay with it. I just knew that I had to be straight in public, at least until I was ready for my friends and family to know.

A while later, I felt a bit guilty about watching all this porn and felt like I had to bring something back to the community especially since there seemed to be so little good fetish porn out there featuring guys! The problem is that I was afraid that my friends would find out about my rather strange interests so I hid my face in my earlier videos and only showed my feet.

Soon though, I gained confidence in what I was doing and I think you can work out the rest.


...That post was longer than I thought it would be. I honestly didn't think I'd write an almost 700 word essay but I suppose it's easy to write about what you know. Anyway, there is no moral of the story. I suppose that it does confirm that masturbation is a form of self-discovery that should be encouraged although I don't think I need to tell that to most of you. Honestly though, this is just something I was thinking about and wanted to have in written form.

I guess I hope you found it insightful and if you feel inspired to leave a comment or ask any questions, go ahead.